


is anybody out there (can you take this weight of mine)

by justaleapoffaith



Series: after the war is over [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27399532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justaleapoffaith/pseuds/justaleapoffaith
Summary: "You know, after he died, I was convinced that I could never feel like that for someone again. Like he had been the one, my one chance", she reached out to take his other hand, "that was until I met you."And as his eyes softened as he looked at her, she knew (they both did, really) that there was an unspoken word there, maybe three. And someday she would be ready to say it, let it out into the open. But for now-"I don't want to lose you."----Daisy finds a picture in an old file that brings back some painful memories, and some of her fears.
Relationships: (Past) Lincoln Campbell/Skye | Daisy Johnson, Alphonso "Mack" Mackenzie & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa
Series: after the war is over [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2001682
Comments: 13
Kudos: 96





	is anybody out there (can you take this weight of mine)

**Author's Note:**

> Me: here are some adorable fluffy fic ideas :)
> 
> My brain: ANGST
> 
> (Title from "Carry You" by Ruelle.)

“You know, when I said I wanted a break from fighting, this is not what I had in mind.”

Daisy stared at the mountain of files in front of her, gingerly placing another on the stack that was a file away from tumbling to the ground.

“It’s not so bad”, Sousa nudged her foot with his as she rolled her eyes, “the company certainly makes it better.”

She bit back a grin. He was not wrong though, having him around did make the painful ordeal of paperwork slightly better.

_Slightly._

“You’re adorable”, the grin betrayed her, “but I don’t think anything can make this less depressing.”

He frowned slightly as he stared at the two stacks in front of them. It had been a simple task, really. With Fitz-Simmons and Alya back in Perthsire and May and Coulson busy working on restarting the Academy, the rest of the team had begun working on trying to find and get back as many agents as they could. And that meant having a clear idea of how many of them were still alive.

And right now, the stack of files that belonged to the dead agents was dangerously higher than that of the ones that were alive.

While Mack tried to establish contact with the other S.H.I.E.L.D bases and Piper and Davis were busy recruiting as many assets as they could get their hands on, Yoyo had been zipping around to every storage room in the Lighthouse, scouring for all the personnel files they had, which eventually ended up in a heap on the common room table. A heap that Daisy and Sousa had been tasked with organizing.

“I don’t even know where to put this”, she frowned, picking up Davis’s file.

“Third category?”

“And what would that be?”

He shrugged, “used to be dead but is now alive?”

“If that were a category, I’m pretty sure everyone on the team would be in it.”

“Fair enough”, he laughed, tossing the file aside, “we’ll just have to ask Mack then.”

“That won’t take too long, I think we’re almost don-”

They felt the familiar swoosh of air before she could finish her sentence, and Yoyo skidded to a halt in front of them, holding another cardboard box in her hands.

“Please tell me that’s empty.”

“It’s not”, she dropped the box on the table, and it landed with an ungraceful thud.

“And I dared to hope”, Daisy muttered. She snuck a glance at Sousa, who had let his head fall back to the couch, his face scrunching up in an adorable way that made her stomach flip.

“But”, Yoyo chimed, pulling out files at random, “I think this might be the last of them. Found it tucked away in a corner, lot of old files in it, too.”

Daisy reached out to dig through the box, and Sousa, who had managed to pull himself up again, took the files that Yoyo passed to him.

“How old are we talking?”

“First incarnation.”

Sousa let out a low whistle. “Looks like the dead pile is about to get higher.”

Daisy pulled out a file from the box hurriedly. They had been going at these boxes since morning, and right now she just wanted to get it over with. But as she flipped the cover of the file, her breath caught in her throat.

In the background she could hear Yoyo and Sousa laugh at something, but she couldn’t remember what. Her heart was hammering loudly in her chest as she stared at the picture clipped onto the page. Dark green eyes stared back at her, determined yet gentle. She hadn’t seen them in so long. She could almost make out the spark of electricity behind them.

_Lincoln._

“Daisy, you okay?”

She startles, looking up. Her surroundings slowly come into focus. Sousa, his hand on her shoulder, eyes warm and full of concern. Yoyo stepped forward to crouch down next to her, a gentle hand on her knee. Her eyes glance at the picture in her hands, and they fill with realization.

“Daisy…”

Concern was radiating from the both of them, and suddenly it all felt too much. Like it took over the whole room, suffocating her.

“I just-”, but the words were dying in her throat. It was getting harder to breath. It was too much. It was all too much.

Shakily, she stood up and, before anyone could say a word, dashed out the door, the file gripped tightly in her hand. And if Sousa called after her as she left, she didn’t hear it.

* * *

Mack found her hours later, crouched on the floor with legs pulled up to her chest in a dimly lit hallway far from the common room. She looked at him as he sat down next to her, her eyes rimmed red.

“Hey”, he nudged softly, and when she didn’t respond, “the others were worried about you. You just left.”

She wordlessly passed him the file she had been clutching onto. He didn’t have to open it to know who’s it was. Mack put his arm around her, and she leaned into his touch.

“I don’t know why I panicked so much. It just felt too much. I-”, she let out a shaky breath, “I’ve moved on, I don’t know why…”

“Just because you’ve moved on doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel sad”, his voice was gentle, she found some comfort in that.

“It’s not just that, it’s…”, she shook her head, “everyone I get close to dies.”

“I’m still here. A lot of us are”, he offered.

“But you have gotten hurt, badly. You’ve all come so close to dying.”

“That’s not on you, Tremors.”

“Lincoln was. My parents were.”

“They made their choices, that’s not your fault, Dais.” His grip around her tightens and she pulls herself closer.

“I just…I can’t lose any more people, Mack. I can’t”, she let out a sob, pressing a face into Mack’s shoulder, “and Sousa, oh god-”

“Does he?”

“No, I haven’t told him yet. I want to, I do, I’m just…I think it might scare him away. We have something good going, I’m not ready to mess that up.”

Mack just chuckled in response, and she turned to look at him incredulously. “What?”

“I’m sorry”, he shook his head, “but that’s just ridiculous.”

“I’m being serious!”

“Daisy”, he turned to look at her fully, a soft smile on his face, “this guy crossed timelines to be with you. You’re not gonna scare him, okay? You just need to talk to him.”

Deep down she knew Sousa would not be shaken by this. But a part of her could not help but be scared that he would. After Lincoln, she had never imagined she could ever feel for someone the way she felt for him. She pushed away anyone who came close, not wanting to lose any more people. It was not till she was high on space puffs and crying under a table with Jemma that she realized how much she had craved that feeling. Of being in love, of having what Fitz and Simmons had. But really, it was not till she had met Sousa that she actually imagined herself having something like that again. Of wanting a relationship and knowing she could pursue it. And in the past month she had slipped so easily into the domesticity of their relationship, the last thing she wanted was to lose it. To lose _him_.

She pulled herself away to lean back against the wall, wiping her eyes.

“In…in the time loops…”, she could feel Mack’s eyes on her, but she stared straight ahead, “we were running out of time. One of us had to pick up Simmons’ scanner, and he- he figured out that it was a trap, picked it up so I could keep my memories. He didn’t even doubt anything I said, didn’t even ask for proof. I told him he’d reset if he died and he just…believed me.”

Mack’s hand returned to her back, rubbing soothing circles.

“Of course, he doesn’t remember it but, at that moment…I just felt completely helpless. He was bleeding out on the floor and I couldn’t do anything about it other than wait for it all to be over. I don’t want to feel like that again”, she looked up at Mack with tears in her eyes, and he wordlessly wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close and pressing his lips onto the top of her head. When she closed her eyes, she could still see it – Sousa slumping to the ground, his head in her hand, lights flashing all around them. She remembered it all too vividly, the memory that had plagued her most recent nightmares, till she would wake up breathing heavily with her hand on his wrist, searching for the steady beat of his pulse.

“Just talk to him”, Mack sighed into her hair.

* * *

Daisy was not too sure how long they sat like that, but at some point, Mack left to take a call from Piper, and she sat alone in the hallway. She did not have a watch on her, but she guessed it would have been late evening by now, and if all else had gone well, then Sousa and Yoyo would have been done with the files, Kora and Flint would have begun their, what had now become a regular, _what should we have for dinner_ argument with the first adult they could find acting as a moderator (who, nine out of ten times, was Mack).

She got up and began making her way to the bunks, using the longer route through the maze-like hallways of the Lighthouse, not that she was not far enough already. She supposed she just needed to clear her head a little before she talked to Sousa about…god, what was she going to tell him, exactly? _I saw a picture of my dead ex-boyfriend and freaked out and realized that you may die too because you already have in a time loop that you don’t remember?_

Yeah, no.

But this was something she had to do, one way or another. She could not let another person get close to her without knowing the risks.

And just her luck, the light was on in Sousa’s bunk. She didn’t think she was ready to face the others just yet. She approached the door, taking a deep breath before knocking. The door swung open, revealing a Sousa in a standard S.H.I.E.L.D sweatshirt, his hair in curls and falling onto his forehead. If her mind hadn’t been as preoccupied as it was, she might have commented on how cute he looked. His eyes softened as they met hers, and he stepped back to let her in. They stood looking at each other, neither unsure how to begin.

“I’m sorry, for running off”, she broke the silence, and he simply stared at her in return, brows furrowed. “Are…are you mad?”

And her voice sounded smaller than she would have liked.

“What? No, of course not! Why would I be-”, his entire face scrunched up in confusion, as if he would have never considered that to be something, he could be capable of (at least, not to her), “I was just worried, is all. How are you feeling now?”

“Better now, yeah”, she shot him a small smile, “did...did Mack or Yoyo tell you about him? The man in the picture?"

Sousa shook his head, moving to perch on the edge of his bed. "Mack had told me you'd been hurt before. Guess this had something to do with that..."

A small part of her wanted to stay silent, keep it all locked up and run away. But the rest of her, her mind, her heart, told her to open up.

To stay.

"Lincoln Campbell", and Sousa's head shot up, "his name was Lincoln Campbell."

"Daisy", and her name fell out as soft as a whisper, "you don't have to if you don't want-"

"No", she cut him off, shaking her head and quelling any underlying doubts, "I want to. You need to know."

She moved to sit next to him, reaching for his hand, and he complied, interlacing their fingers.

"He was uh...I met him at Afterlife. He helped me with my powers, learn more about them, accept them. And after Afterlife fell apart, well, he was on the run for a bit, but then he joined S.H.I.E.L.D, trained and fought with us.

"We were...", and this was the harder part, "we were together. In love, the whole thing", she offered him a sad smile, her eyes tearing up, "but I didn't get to tell him."

Sousa, for his part, didn't look any close to running, despite her fears. He gently squeezed her hand, and she took it as a sign to continue.

"He sacrificed himself to save the team. To save me, really. He payed for my mistakes", she swiped away a tear with her free hand, the painful memories of that night settling in her in the form of a dull ache,"and after that I just...I separated myself, from everyone, went rogue and I- I hurt myself. And for a good while I- I didn't get over it, not just him, but everything I'd done, all the mistakes I'd made. It took me a really long time to learn to let go. And when I saw his picture..."

She didn't know how to continue, how to explain all the fear that had rushed into her at that moment. So she looked up at him, eyes all teared up, hoping he'd understand.

"I know." And he did.

"You know, after he died, I was convinced that I could never feel like that for someone again. Like he had been the one, my one chance", she reached out to take his other hand, "that was until I met you."

And as his eyes softened as he looked at her, she knew (they both did, really) that there was an unspoken word there, maybe three. And someday she would be ready to say it, let it out into the open. But for now-

"I don't want to lose you."

"Daisy", and there he was doing it again, speaking her name so gently, so surely, like it was the only thing in the world, "you're not going to lose me."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do, you're not losing me. And technically, I'm already dead in this time so..."

Daisy ignored his attempt at humor, choosing instead to pick herself up and pace across the room.

"I'm being serious!"

"So am I."

"Sousa, you can die! Everyone who comes close to me has. You-you don't understand...I am literally endangering you, giving you a death wish, I-"

"What makes you think that's going to happen?"

"Because you've died before!"

The moment she said that, she froze. He did too, eyes widening, confusion and shock etched on his face. She had not meant to tell him about that today. Things were heavy as is, this was something she had hoped to push away for a while, bring it up later.

Maybe never.

But it was out there now, sitting heavily between the two of them, she couldn't take it back.

"What are you talking about?"

"You remember the time loops?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, uh...there was this one loop where you died. To save me, save my memories."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

He looked away, deep in thought. Daisy's mind, on the other hand, was running a mile a minute.

_This is it_ , she feared, _this is where he leaves._

"But I'm here now, right? Not dead."

Now it was her turn to look confused. "What?"

"The loop reset, and I'm here. With you. I didn't really die. I think I would have known that when I did."

_But if I die, I'll just, you know, reset. No problem._

"Just like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I said you would reset if you died and you...just believed me. Just like that."

He simply shrugged, "What's wrong with that?"

"You", she let out a low laugh, "you didn't ask for proof. I told you we were in a time loop. I told you might die and get reset. I told you I'd lose my memories if I did. That's not normal. Nothing about that is normal!"

"Daisy, not normal is what we deal with. That is literally our job."

"Why didn’t you ask for proof?"

He got up, taking her shaking hands in his again.

"Because I trust you. More than anything."

And she couldn't help but smile a little, despite all her worry.

"Also, the whole situation sounds too crazy to be made up, so..."

She laughed at that, a happy, genuine laugh, reflected in the soft grin on his face.

"What I'm trying to say is", he turned serious again, "if it ever comes down to it, to a situation like that - we'll consider every other option we have before either of us makes that move."

She raised an eyebrow, "either of us?"

"I mean, if it came down to it, let's be honest, you would do it too. You did, back on the Chronicom ship."

_Touchè._

"Look, I'm not trying to pass blame. I'm just saying, we're S.H.I.E.L.D agents. It's in our nature."

She hated that he was right.

"But", he stepped closer, pressing their foreheads together, "as long as you and I have a say in it, I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"

She leaned forward and kissed him, trying to pour out everything she felt, all the words they had left unspoken, into the kiss. She could go on and on about all her fears of the endless possibilities where she lost him, but none of that mattered right now. What mattered was that he was here, holding her in his arms, grounding her. As they broke the kiss, she stayed pressed to him, her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. He was alive, they both were. And for now, that was more than enough.

"Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> Give me a shout on tumblr (@justaleapoffaith) :)


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